One Hundred Tears Away

Shop annoucement: Check stand number three is now open for all purchases. No waiting.

Lady: Excuse me. Is this the last one?
Shop attendant: Actually, I think it is. We've been unable to keep those on the shelves lately. We're getting a new shipment tomorrow.
Lady:Hmm...This one looks like old stock. Would it still be fresh?
Shop attendant: Oh, sure.
Lady: Hmm.



Lady: Excuse me. I was taking those.
Ally: You put them back.
Lady: No, I put them down. I'm still getting them.
Ally:Well, um, I, I don't mean to be difficult, but if you were still getting
them why didn't you put them in your cart instead of back on the
shelf?
Lady: Look, people pick items up, they put them down, they pick them up
again. It's part of shopping, deciding what to buy, whether to buy.
I was still in the throes of deciding whether I wanted those when you
just swooped in.
Ally: Swooped in?
Lady: Look, I don't want to be a troublemaker, but these other Pringles are
the ridged ones, and I have trouble with ridges.
Ally:Ma'am, after you put them down on the shelf, you picked up Ruffles. Ruffles have ridges. Now, why would you enter into the throes of considering Ruffles, if you have trouble with ridges?
Lady: What are you, a lawyer?
Ally: Sir, sir, did you, you saw her put these back, didn't you?
Lady: Oh...Isn't that rich, playing the sex card.
Ally: I, I beg your pardon?
Lady:You think he's just going to automatically side with you 'cause you look how you look and I look how I look. These are my Pringles.
Ally: Did you see that?
Shop attendant: I don't get involved in product disputes.
Ally: Fine. Fine. Okay, you can have the Pringles. But, but let's just be honest here. You decided not to buy them, and when you saw that I wanted them, you decided that you wanted them back.
Lady:You pissy little thing. Pushing your cart in your little Calvin Klein outfit. You probably only chose those chips 'cause I left them on the edge and you wouldn't have to pop a pore to reach them.
Ally: Why are you being so mean? Is it because you look how you look?
Lady: I won't even dignify that. I've got the Pringles. Hm, hm....
Ally: Oops. Oh...

Chapter 2
Lady: Officer, it was totally vicious.
Ally: Did you really have to handcuff me?
Cop: Standard procedure, Ma'am.
Ally: I didn't mean for her to fall. I was only going for a stumble.
Cop: Yes, you've been consistent on that one.
Ally: Hey, hey, hey! Can you tell him how horrible she was being?
Renne: All right, Ally.
Ally: Oh, thank God.
Renne: Renee Radick, Deputy D.A. Do we really need the cufflinks?
Cop: We made an arrest.
Renne: What happened?
Cop: They evidently got into an argument. She tripped the woman, which lead to a head laceration, and possibly a concussion.
Ally: I, I was only going for a stumble.
Renne: I can't send you to the store for one roll of paper towels?
Cop: We gotta take her.
Ally: You're going to take me...into custody?
Renne: That's what happens when you get arrested, Ally! Why do you think they cuffed you?To make it harder to paint your toes?
Ally: You know, Renne, you come up with sarcasm at the most inappropriate times!
Cop: Ma,am.
Ally: Don't pull me! I'm an attorney. I'll sue you for police brutality. Let's not forget about Rodney King. Renne! Renne! He's pulling me! He's pulling me! There are video cameras in this store.

Ally: This is unbelievable. I, I get all but accosted by this woman, and I'm the one who has to be subjected to this, this, this....
Renne: Let's just get home, Ally.
Ally: Where are my things? I, I, do I at least get my belongings back?
Cop: I'm afraid we have another little problem.
Ally: Is she dead?
Cop: No. The woman's alert, meeting with her lawyer.
Renne: What's the problem?
Cop: The store does have video surveillance, and they replayed the tapes
at our request. We're going to have to add shoplifting to the charges.
Ally & Renne: What?
Cop: Your contraceptive jelly. The tapes show you putting it into your pocket.
Ally: No. It was... I, I, I only did that because I was embarrassed to be seen with it. I, I was going to pay for it.
Renne: Contraceptive jelly?
Ally: Quiet! I, um, I, I was only hiding it until checkout time.
Renne: You're not even having sex, Ally!
Ally: Quiet! You know, um, if you hadn't yanked me away, I, I would have paid for it.

Renne: I'm going to whisk you through arraignment and hopefully dispose of it first thing.
Ally: You're going to be the D.A?
Renne: I'll try. But you better get yourself a lawyer because....
Ally: I, I'm going to represent myself.
Renne: Oh, no you won't!
Ally: Oh, yes I will.
Renne: We want the judge to kick this thing quickly. Judges don't like it when lawyers represent themselves. I want you to take this phone and get hold of someone from your office. Now!

Whipper: Hello. Hello.
Ally: Whipper? How, how, how are you?
Whipper: Oh, I'm fine. He's a little busy right now. I ask him to call you back.
Oh, that would be fabulous. Bye. See you.

Georgia: Hello?
Ally: Georgia, it's Ally. Can you put Billy on the phone?
Georgia: Hey, Ally. Sure.
Billy: Hello.
Ally: Don't ask questions. Don't pass judgement. Don't even pass go. Just listen and accept the fact that I need help and give it to me. I, I tripped this woman unconscious. I stole sex jelly and I need you right away.
Billy: Okay. I'll meet you at the courthouse.
Ally: And I, I, you know, she wanted these Pringles. It wasn't my fault. I didn't want Pringles...
Georgia:What is it this time?
Billy:She knocked somebody unconscious and stole some diaphragm jelly.

Renne: Great, Jeanie, thanks. Happy Boyle is sitting first session. That's the one Billy knows, right?
Ally: He likes hookers and clean teeth.
Renne: Well, you're lucky. You might actually dodge a bullet. Now, can we talk about this?
Ally: No!

Chapter 3

Billy: I need to know the facts.
Ally: Forget it!
Billy: Ally, if I don't know the story...
Ally: Renne knows the story. You just follow her.
Billy: Did you bring the records?
Ally: Even the X-rays. It's all in here.

Courtroom secretary: Commonwealth versus Ally McBeal, 32122. Assault, battery, misdemeanor larceny.
Billy: Billy Thomas for the defendant.
Renne: Renne Radick for the Commonwealth. I think we can dust this one right at the bench, Your Honor. We'd be willing to plead sufficient facts, no finding of guilt, if she's
clean for a year, it gets wiped.
Judge Boyle : She mauled a woman over a bag of chips?
Renee : She tripped her. It appears to be minor.
Judge Boyle : Uh, huh. And what about stealing spermicide?
Renee : That appears to be a mistake. She placed the jelly in her pocket because she was embarrassed about being seen with it. Then after the altercation with the woman, she forgot about it.
Judge Boyle: Aren't you the district attorney?
Renee: Yes, Your Honor. But I don't see the point in wasting tax dollars on something like this.
Judge Boyle: Step up here, young woman. Let me see your teeth. You've been in front of me before.
Billy: As a lawyer, Your Honor. She was with me as an attorney.
Judge Boyle: A lawyer? Do you think it's appropriate for an attorney to kick people unconscious and then steal spermicide?
Ally: No! I...
Billy: Your Honor, it was more of a misunderstanding. And moreover, I'd like to admit Ms. McBeal's dental records together with her x-rays, which I think more than vouch for her good hygiene as well as her character.
Ally: (This would actually be funny if justice wasn't truly this arbitrary.)
Judge Boyle: Very well. Continued with no findings for one year. You behave yourself, you little vixen.
Ally: Yes, sir.
Judge Boyle: Next case.

Elaine: I have truly wonderful news.
Ally: Might you keep it to yourself?
Elaine: I sold the face bra!
Ally: You sold it?
Elaine: To a small venture company. We're gonna do an infomercial. The deal isn't done. I need you to close it. We'll call it "The Mask" for women on the run!
Richard: What's this? I'm hearing about you kicking a woman senseless?
Ally: I tripped her! She got a little cut on her head and... Who told you?
Richard: The Board of Bar Overseers.
Ally: Excuse me?
Richard: Judge Boyle made a report. They just suspended your license.
Ally: What!?
Elaine: Who'll do my patent?
Richard: They scheduled the hearing tomorrow.
Ally: They suspended my license?
Richard: Ally, you can't just attack somebody over a snack, really. That's not a Fishism. It's just a rule of common sense. They also said you swiped some gyno-cream. Any truth to that?
Elaine: I sold my face bra.
Richard: Well, I'm nothing, if not surrounded.

Chapter 4

Vonda: Look what they've done to my song, Ma. Look what they've done to my song...
Georgia: Can they really suspend her?
Billy : They can, but I bet they just want to look her over, give her a warning.
Richard : Not that she'd take it. To me, Pringles shouldn't be a button-pusher.
Ally : Isn't it rude to talk about somebody like they're not in the room?
Richard : Maybe in the same room, Ally, but a different planet... Kidding. Bygones. Whatever.
Elaine: I've got names of who will be sitting tomorrow. Henrietta Fulham, Johnson Hawk, and Marshal Pink.
Richard: Let me see that.
Georgia: You? How can you smoke those disgusting things?
Elaine: They lend intrigue to my character.
Richard: These guys follow the serious side. Billy, can you represent her?
Billy: Sure.
Richard: I'll go too. Back you up.
Ally: I don't know what is going on here. I mean lawyers have committed dangerous crimes...
...and they're not brought before the Board. And this was an altercation. This seems like a practical joke.
Richard: With this panel, no joke. And Pink. Conservative, no sense of humor, Christian. The gyno-gel could be trouble.
Ally: Oh, great.
Vonda: And it's turning out all wrong, Ma. Look what they've done to my song...

Chapter 5

Billy: What that tape doesn't reflect is the provocation by Mrs. Clarkson. Plus I remind the panel there's been no criminal finding against Ms. McBeal.
Judge Fulham: This isn't about criminal wrongdoing. It's about mental fitness.
Ally: What?!
Billy: Your Honor, there is no basis for this board to question her mental fitness.
Judge Pink: There is, counsel.
Ally: I'd certainly like to hear it!
Judge Pink: First off, we have this assault in the supermarket. Second, Professor James Dawson was a friend of mine. And I had a curious experience of attending his funeral last week, listening to Ms. McBeal's eulogy, which was bizarre, to say the least. You see the man seated back there, Ms. McBeal?

Man: Sorry.
Ally: Hey!

Judge Pink: Did you accost that man on the street because he didn't seem apologetic enough after accidentally bumping into you?
Ally: There is a context to that.
Judge Fulham : Did you submit your dental records in court as mitigating circumstances for last night's attack?
Judge Hawk : Which attack was motivated by your inability to secure the potato chip of your choice.
Judge Pink : Ms. McBeal, we're not about to deny your due process but I'm going to be frank. We're in a time where the Bar and lawyers are increasingly subjected to public scorn. You trip people in supermarkets. You steal spermicidal jelly. You punch people on the street. I personally saw you acting very erratically on a pulpit.
Ally: There is an explanation for all of it. Every last bit!
Judge Pink: And you'll get your chance to present it. We've scheduled an evidentiary hearing for tomorrow. Ten o' clock. Between now and that time, you'd serve yourself well not to attack anybody.

Ally: This is beyond ridiculous. They can't threaten to take away my license over... over a pedestrian...
Elaine: They subpoenaed me.
Ally: What?
Richard: Who?
Elaine: The Board. They want me to appear to talk about Ally.
Ally: You?
Richard: Why?
Elaine: I don't know. Don't look so worried. I'm on your side.
Ally: That's what worries me. Why do they want her?
Billy: Have you said anybody anything about Ally?
Elaine: I don't know. I say so many things to so many people. I'm sure she's popped into conversation.
Ally: What did you say?
Richard: Bygones!
Ally: It's not bygones. Not everything is bygones. What did you say?
Elaine: Snappish.
Billy: All right. Look. Evidently that pedestrian followed you after you belted him, found out your name, and then reported you. Then Judge Boyle decided...
Ally : Oh, Billings.
Billy : What?
Ally : I, I, that, that Judge Pink... I've seen him before. He's a friend of Jack Billings. And this is payback!
Richard: Okay. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But they go after one of us. We all go after them. Where's Biscuit?
Elaine: He's still in Syracuse.
Richard: Well, you got the two of us right behind you.
Elaine: And me!

Chapter 6

Ally: It wasn't supposed to be like this. You become a lawyer, you get interesting cases, you meet interesting men in symphony here. You're supposed to be able to send your whole life to the dry cleaners, and then it's supposed to come back all pretty and neat on a hanger and... It wasn't supposed to be like this, Renee.
Renee: I agree. I agree. But...can we talk about this?
Ally: No!
Renee: Ally, last week you danced with Billy. Does this have his name on it?
Ally: Yeah, that's just sort of about it. I'm about to have an affair with another married man.
Are you... It... It was just... It was on sale.
Renee: I don't mean this in an insulting way, but you're not a sexually spontaneous person. You won't even go to bed with a man unless you storyboard it first. This means something. This has an intended. Who is it?
Ally: Even if you're right, I don't have to tell you!
Renee: I agree. You don't. No. But if you were going to tell me, who is it?
Ally: Omar Sharif.
Renee: Omar what?
Ally: Sharif. Omar Sharif. You don't know who Omar Sharif is?
Renee: No.
Ally: He's the guy in Funny Girl, who shows up at the stage door. He's the guy who just walks in from another world. The guy who... The guy who's looking for my door.
Renee: If they ask you about this at your hearing tomorrow, I wouldn't give that answer.
Ally: Okay.

Chapter 7

Mrs. Clarkson: It was definitely with malice. What you can't tell from the video is that she locked her ankle. There was no give to it.
Judge Pink: Ma'am, I think the video does speak for what happened. Our interest lies in her mental state leading to the event. Did she seem erratic to you?
Mrs. Clarkson: Well, anyone who would commit mayhem for a potato chip...
Judge Fulham: What we are trying to get at is her demeanor, her emotional state. You don't have to argue the merits of what happened. Did she sound unstable at all?
Billy: Your Honor, why ask this woman an answer when you seem so willing to provide them to yourself?
Judge Fulham: Councel.
Billy: This is an equivalent of a traffic dispute. And you're leading the witness to give testimony...
Judge Pink: Rules of evidence don't apply here.
Billy: How about the rules of fairness?
Judge Pink: Why don't you sit down and humor us? Could you do that?
Richard: Your Honor, I'd like to apologize for Mr. Thomas's hostility as much as I constantly stress the need for civility. He continues to have these reactions to witch hunts, particularly when they're so blatant.

Billy: That wasn't constructive.
Richard: Neither were you, technically.
Billy: I didn't outright insult the Board.
Richard: I was angry.
Billy: It's not like you to be human, Richard. Much less show it.
Richard: It is a witch hunt, isn't it?
Billy: It has to be. The Board of Bar Overseers don't just haul people in because...
Richard: Billy, Billy, you... Is she...? This is a small town. The word around the courthouse is she's shaky.
Billy: Why? She hasn't done anything to...
Richard: Cheanie left us. Took his business elsewhere.
Billy: Really? Well, that's just a personal thing.
Richard: I asked him. He said part of it was personal but part was... He really has concerns to trusting. She strikes him as really being a little unstable.
Billy: She's fine.
Richard: She's still in love with you, isn't she?
Billy: No, she's not.
Richard: Maybe it's too much for her working with you...
Billy: She is fine.
Richard: Okay. Just for the sake of our conversation, you've seemed a little tense ever since she's been here too.
Billy: I don't know what you are talking about.
Richard: Seriously.

Vonda: From deep inside the tears
I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain
I chose to hide
Just walk away, Renee...

Renee: Ally, it's time to leave this law firm.
Ally: Why?
Renee: Enough is enough. You're in love with Billy.
Ally: I'm not in love with Billy!
Renee: Ally, I see it. You're up, you're down. Happy one minute, sad the next...
Ally: And what did you see before I went to that firm? One day just like the next, like the next, like the next, like the next. It's not dull here, Renee. I certainly know that I'm alive.
Renee: I'm gonna say this just once.

Vonda: Just walk away, Renee
You won 't see me follow
You back home

Ally: She's talking to you.
Renee: Look. If you're gonna stay there, you at least have to protect yourself better.
Ally: Like how?
Renee: Well... When I broke up with Willy Boot, remember second year?
Ally: Oh, do I.
Renee: Yeah. Anytime I bumped into him or saw him, I'd imagine his new girlfriend strewn all over him. It would keep me from getting sucked back in.
Ally: I'm not getting sucked back in. I'm fine. Nobody's sucking me anywhere.
Renee: If you say so.
Ally: I say so.
Renee: Fine.
Ally: Fine.

Chapter 8

Judge Pink : Ms. Vassal, you work directly for Ms. McBeal, correct?
Elaine : Well, I like to think I work with her. Autonomy is a very important ingredient for personal esteem and I've always been conscious to nurture mine. I'm in constant preparation to be a mother.
Judge Pink: You like Ms. McBeal?
Elaine: Very much.
Judge Pink: You have no agenda against her?
Elaine: Very much not.
Judge Pink: Okay. The reason we subpoenaed you... Do you recall making statements about Ms. McBeal?
Elaine: No, I do not.
Judge Pink: You've never talked about her?
Elaine: Well, of course, I talk about her all the time. I also have allergies, but I'd be at a loss to recall a specific sneeze.
Judge Pink: Specifically, do you recall ever saying, in your opinion, you thought Ms. McBeal was on the verge of a nervous breakdown?
Judge Hawk: Did you say that to anybody, Ms. Vassal?
Elaine: There was a time when I thought she was struggling, but...
Judge Hawk: You did say it?
Elaine: I said that in defense of her to explain why she was acting so crazy.
Judge Pink : Did you ever tell anybody, "She was two thirds of a Rice Krispie.", "She's already snapped and crackled, and she's close to the final pop."? Did you make that representation?
Elaine : Sometimes I just say things to make people think I'm a wordsmith.

Billy: Do you believe her to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown?
Elaine: Absolutely not.
Billy: Do you believe Ms. McBeal to be a mentally fit person?
Elaine: I most certainly do.
Judge Fulham : Since she's your boss, is it possible you feel a little duress to say that today?
Elaine : Let me tell you something. Not only do I like her, but I trust her as a lawyer. I've vested her with getting the patent on my face bra.
Judge Pink : Your what?
Elaine : My revolutionary invention to reduce aging. The face bra. Wrinkles can just be a function of gravity. It's a miracle mask. Would you like me to demonstrate?
Judge Pink: No.
Judge Hawk : Yes.
Judge Pink : No. I'd like to stick to Ms. McBeal.
Elaine : Oh, take a number.
Judge Fulham: Ms. Vassal, why would you say she was about to have a breakdown if you didn't mean it?
Elaine: Because I enjoy being the center of conversation, and sometimes to stay centered you have to embellish. And let me say something else. She was only erratic at that funeral because she had an extramarital affair with the dead professor that she was eulogizing. And as for that emotional instability that everyone's talking about, that's only because she was suddenly thrust into a working relationship with a man that she still loves. Which isn't that absurd, given that they were sweethearts since childhood when they'd sniff each other's buttocks in the park. There is nothing wrong with her.

Elaine: I am so sorry. Those things I said, I really said them to explain to help you...
Ally : I should have known I was dead as soon as you sided with me.
Elaine : Ally, I know on occasion that my motives can be misconstrued, but you have to believe me. I would never mean to undermine you. You are my favorite boss ever. With the troubles you get yourself into, I really look forward to coming in here every day.
Ally: It was Ronald Cheanie, wasn't it? The person you told those things to in my defense? It was Cheanie!
Elaine: I really don't want to say. I think it's only gonna cause us more friction.
Ally: Oh, no, no. You don't have to worry because I'm done with the guy. I just can't believe that he would actually go to the Bar.
Elaine: It wasn't Ronald Cheanie that I told.
Ally: Then who?
Elaine: Judge Cone.
Ally: Whipper?
Elaine : I wanted her to understand how you could be such a buttinski between her and Richard, and I wanted her to understand that you weren't acting with any malice!
Ally: Whipper. The Whipper.

Chapter 9

Whipper: I had no choice.
Ally: No choice?
Whipper: Ally, as a member of the Bar, if I have information that another member may be mentally unstable...
Ally: Oh, please!
Whipper: ...it's my obligation to check that. My legal duty to report it. Any lawyer has that duty. As a judge I feel very...
Ally: Now you start acting like a judge?
Whipper: I didn't tell the Bar that I believed what Elaine said. I only reported that it was told to me.
Ally: Well, you wouldn't have reported it if you didn't think that she might be right.
Whipper: Well, not many young associates would charge into a judge's office and question her right to wear the robe.
Ally: I did that because you cheated on Richard.
Whipper: Ally, I'm on the Board of Overseers. I know about you punching the pedestrian.
There are rumors flying around the courthouse that you are a little erratic.
Ally: What?
Whipper: My bet is that Jack Billings started the rumors after you sued him. I don't know, but add to the talk that you committed two physical assaults, shoplifting and have a secretary that says you're having a nervous breakdown. I had to recommend that they at least check you out.
Ally: Do you think I'm nuts?
Whipper: No. But I'm not sure you have two feet on the ground either.
Ally: Do you mean some people do?

ALLY: (Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society. But then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits.)

Chapter 10

Judge Pink: What were you thinking when you stuck your foot out?
Ally: Only that if she was to walk away with the Pringles, it shouldn't be proudly. I never meant for her to fall, especially into canned goods.
Judge Hawk: Have you ever undergone any impulse-control therapy, Ms. McBeal?
Ally: No. I have never undergone impulse-control therapy.
Judge Pink : Since I had the fortuitous luck of being at last week's funeral where you so oddly eulogized the deceased…
Ally : Your Honor, I think Ms. Vassal already filled in some of the blanks there. This was a professor I had an adulterous affair with, something I am not proud of. I was asked to eulogize him by his wife. The, the circumstances were a little extreme, and if I was lacking in poise, I apologize.
Judge Pink: I'm picking up a little contempt in your tone.
Ally: Then it would be smart for me to apologize for that too, wouldn't it?
Judge Pink : Ms. McBeal, if you have anger, feel free to express it.
Ally : But you would judge me for it, Your Honor. It'd be wiser for me to sit here politely and privately pray that you should happen by me doing groceries. Now, imagine a young lawyer. Her future lying in your hands. Who would say such a thing? She would either have to be enormously crazy or you'd have to be enough of an ass to deserve the remark no matter what the risk. And since you're the judge, I'm gonna let you decide, but not until I finish. And I haven't finished! That woman abused me in that supermarket! Now, yes, I overreacted, but there was a context. And as for all the other evidence against me, that, that, that stuff about me being emotional? Falling in love with the man whose bottoms I've smelled. Submitting X-rays to a judge who has a tooth fetish and sleeps with hookers. Snapping at pedestrians who think that square shoulder can be mitigated by "I am sorry"? I am human! I am temperamental! I am guilty! Now, I'm finished!

Billy: You certainly are. How the hell could you do that? Do you have some professional death wish?
Ally : I wasn't about to just sit there and kowtow, Billy.
Billy : There is a middle ground between cow-towing and launching grenades, Ally. How could you do that?
Ally: Because I'm crazy! Isn't that what everybody keeps saying? I'm a lunatic.
Elaine: Tomorrow I'll just stand up and plead PMS....
Ally & Billy: Out!
Elaine: Snappish stereo.
Billy: Ally, I gotta admit, you do seem a little off-balance.
Ally: Who wants to be balanced, Billy? Balance is way overrated. What if I don't want to be balanced? Did you ever think about that?
Billy: You should be happy, and you don't seem happy.
Ally: Happiness is overrated too.
Billy: You and Cheanie, is there...
Ally: No!
Billy: Not that it's any of my business, but why did you buy contraception? Forget it. It's none of my business.
Ally: Well, it most certainly is.
Billy: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about you.
Ally: Did you ever buy a lottery ticket?
Billy: What?
Ally: A lottery ticket. Did you ever buy one?
Billy: A couple of times, maybe. Why?
Ally: I buy them sometimes. I mean, not that I think I would ever win, but I just um... I like to hold it in my hand and think, "What if?" That's why I bought that contraceptive jelly, I thought, I thought, "What if?" What if I'm walking down the street, and I suddenly march right into somebody and we just know immediately off of one look that we're meant for each other. And it's like Barbra Streisand and Omar Sharif, but instead of singing about it, we go off and make passionate love. Girls have dreams like that sometimes.
Billy: Yes, but I doubt many actually go out and buy the spermicide.
Ally: It was my lottery ticket. It's come to that. My lottery ticket is a tube of jelly.
Billy: Do you remember that time in the dark, we reached for it and by mistake grabbed the Crest.
Ally: And you liked it. And you said I was...
Billy: Minty.
Ally: How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life?
Billy: You've always been ahead of your time. Look. Tomorrow, you're gonna have to make a summary statement. I'd start apologizing for today's behavior. Stay contained, respectful, I still think you're gonna be okay.
Ally: All right.
Billy: Good night. Try to get a good night's sleep.
Ally: I will. Good night.

Ally: I'll be okay.

Chapter 11

Whipper : Wrong chambers again, Happy.
Judge Boyle : Oh, damn. I don't know why I keep walking in a door too soon. One of these days I'm apt to come in and catch you naked.
Whipper : And you'd just ask to see my teeth. Good catching up with you, Happy.
Judge Boyle : I have penile atrophy, you know?
Whipper : Oh, that's nice. Good to see you.
Judge Boyle: All right. See you.
Whipper: Wait. Can I talk to you for a second?
Judge Boyle: Sure.
Whipper: Ally McBeal. You reported it to the Bar?
Judge Boyle: The potato-chip girl? Pushy.
Whipper: Do you think she's unstable?
Judge Boyle: Well, I don't know, but she seems to get violent. Word around the building, you hear. She's too emotional, sues people. She's a pretty little thing. Maybe that's why she thinks she can get away with it.
Whipper: Yeah.

Richard: Yeah. Excellent. Thanks. Uh, good news. My mole says they're still on the fence. If you go in and act civilized, humble, remorseful, you'll probably just get a light censure. Can you do that? I think you can, can you do that?
Ally : Yes.
Elaine: I thought about something else I could say that might be helpful. Sometimes she just looks snappish.
Billy: Ready?
Ally: Ready.
Richard: Let's go.

Chapter 12

Judge Pink: All right, Ms. McBeal, if there's anything you'd like to add to yesterday's testimony or if you'd like to make any final remarks, you may do so now.
Ally: Well... I would like to conclude by saying that I am sorry about the incident at the supermarket. And I realize I have been under stress with my new job and...all. But I would ask you to trust me and the members of my firm to ensure that, no matter what my personal struggles may be, the competent representation of our clients will never be compromised.
Judge Pink: Would you be willing to undergo a psychiatric evaluation?
Ally: Would you?
Richard: Your Honor, a friend of mine refused to take a urine test once because it wouldn't give him time to study for it. The point is evaluations...
Ally: Richard, sit down! Now! I came here prepared to say all the right things, and
Whipper: And I think that you have. Just what is she guilty of? You certainly don't drag in every attorney who commits a crime.
Judge Pink: No, but every attorney who appears emotionally unstable or mentally unfit...
Whipper: Oh, a man acts passionate, we call him impassioned. A woman, she's emotional.
Judge Hawk: I'm confused. Not only was it another woman asking us to investigate her, it was you!
Whipper: And I was wrong.
Judge Hawk: Yes, well, ding-ding-dong! The bell doesn't unring quite so loudly.
Whipper: Just twenty minutes ago, I had a half-naked Happy Boyle telling me she's pushy. "A pretty little thing, she'll learn." Why don't we just admit it? She stands most guilty of being female. Young and attractive. How dare she be aggressive on top of that?
Judge HAWK: Forgive me, Whipper. You're an able judge. But as character references go, you don't turn tides. You're a bit of a kook yourself.
Whipper: Hey! I am on this Board.
Judge Pink: But you're not sitting today nor should you be. Do you really mean to be selling yourself as objective? Twenty minutes from now you'll be fondling Mr. Fish on his favorite futon. You don't think we know the scoop on you? Now go tease your hair and let us conduct our business.
Judge Fulham: All right. That's enough from everybody. Judge Cone, thank you. We will consider your changed position.
Whipper: I want you to consider that even the smallest suspension will affect this woman's entire career.
Judge Fulham: Thank you, we get that. Now, Ms. McBeal, is there anybody else to champion your interests or might you quit while only slightly behind?
Billy : I'd like to be heard.
Judge Fulham : Splendid.
Billy : First, in the spirit of no surprises, it was my bottom she smelled 20 years ago. We were high school sweethearts. We're still close. That might make me less objective, but it also means I know her better than anyone else in the world, room. And I don't care what kind of club this is. We're all a lot better off with her in it. When I was studying for the Bar, I had this professor. A great, great professor.
Judge Pink: Did she sleep with him?
Billy: This professor said there'd be those who see the law in black and white. They'd do fine. There'd be those who won't be able to tell the black from white. They'd flunk. Then there'd be those who not only tell the black from the white. They'd be able to see all the grays. And they'd be doomed forever. In life, Ally's faced with some of that doom. She's... However seen gray, she's constantly trying to make sense of an arena ??? most parts of it messy...
Judge Hawk: Is there anybody in this room who knows what he's talking about?
Billy: What I'm talking about is... she knows, she knows. Whatever the virtues of balance, it's just a pleasant form of insanity.
Judge Hawk: Yes, well, that clears it up. Anything else?
Billy: This is a woman who isn't afraid to be emotional. She isn't scared of being weak. She's tougher than anybody in this room. She knows the part of being alive, really alive, is being willing to get into the same room with your pain and... And whatever virus you think she's got, we should all be so lucky to be infected a little...
Judge Pink: I think you all have been.
Billy: Hey!
Richard: Bygones.
Billy: Sit! All I'll say is, is I know her. I know this woman. There's only one of her. Trust me. And if you use your gavel to even slightly squash what makes her, you don't know her.

Chapter 13

Ally: How long before they decide?
Richard: They said it would be quick, which I'm not sure is good. I have never seen you close your argument in court, Billy, but you're usually better than that, right?
Billy: I did the best I could, Richard.

Ally: Thanks for being here, Renee.
Renee: Even if they do suspend you, Ally, how severe could it be?
Ally: Like Whipper said, any suspension...
Elaine: They're coming back. They've called you in.
Renee: Bye.

Judge Pink: Without passing judgment on your emotional state, Ms. McBeal, there are two things we can safely conclude. One, you have a devoted following. Two, if we would rule against you, you'd no doubt appeal and we'd be faced with seeing you and hearing you and all of these people again. As deterrents go, I can think of none more effective. By unanimous vote, three to zero, we choose not to suspend you. May God help us all.

Chapter 14

Vonda: He lives in my neighborhood
When he walks by
He looks so good

RICHARD: What?
Elaine: I think my testimony swayed them.
Richard: I agree, but we won anyway. That was real teamwork in there. We even rode the Whip!
Whipper: I'm still sorry that I helped cause it all. Will you forgive me?
Ally: Bygones.
Renee: I feel like snacking on a twin.
Georgia: Hey, me too.
Richard: Whip, Elaine, double-team me.
Whipper: You got it. Elaine?
Elaine: Absolutely.
Whipper: Oh, my goodness.
Ally: Renee, I'm going to meet you at home. I'm zonked.
Renee: What?
Georgia: We have to celebrate.
Renee: And you have that whole tube to use up.
Ally: Shut up.
Renee: Okay. Congratulations.
Ally: Thanks. And, thank you.
Billy: I don't know that what I said helped.
Ally: It didn't. Trust me.
Billy: Well.
Ally: Well.
Billy: I guess I better make sure those twins don't get my wife.
Ally: Yeah.
Billy: I'll be back.
Ally: Oh, yeah.

Ally: Hey, Dad. I'm great. How are you? How's Mom? Yeah, yeah, I guess it is kind of late, but I was just leaving my office and I thought I'd call and say, "Hey!" No, everything's fine. Kind of a tough week, but... Yeah. Normal. Anyway, I just... That was all. I just called to say, "Hey!" Yeah, we do. Maybe I can make it over next week. Yeah. Anyway, I'll let you get back to bed. Okay. I love you. Bye. Dad?

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel your sadness

ALLY: (I know I've got it great, really. Good job. Good friends. Loving family. Total freedom and long bubble baths. What else could there be?)

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away