The Dirty Joke

Chapter 1
Lady in the movie: Oh, Blanche. You know we got rats in the cellar?

Ally: That wasn't funny.
Renee: Yes, it was!
Ally: No, it wasn't. 
Renee: Trust me, ??? was funny.
Ally: Cruelty is funny to you? Pain?
Renee: When it's somebody else's. How many times do you have to watch that movie?
Ally: I like it, okay? They don't make movies about real relationships anymore. What do you watch? The Sound of Music?
Renee: What's wrong with The Sound of Music?
Ally: Nothing if you don't mind Julie Andrews being alive.
Renee: Do you have something against Julie Andrews?
Ally: Doesn't everybody?
Renee: No, I like her.
Ally: Renee, she's perky.
Renee: She isn't perky!
Ally: Sister Maria? Mary Poppins?
Renee: What about that Blake Edwards movie she did where she bared her breasts? There's nothing Mary Poppins about that.
Ally: You know, I saw that movie. And you know what? Her breasts were perky. She had little optimistic nipples.
Renee: Okay, what's going on?
Ally: What do you mean what's going on?
Renee: You have something against Mary Poppins?
Ally: I don't have anything against... High school.
Renee: What about high school?
Ally: I was... I was voted "Most Likely To Become Julie Andrews."
Renee: Ah!
Ally: I'm not anything like her, am I?
Renee: First of all, no. Second of all, neither is she. She regrets those movies because people got the same idea as you did. Julie Andrews is nothing like Mary or Maria.
Ally: My high school class didn't know that when they voted me most likely to be her. And I think people do think I'm kind of prudery.
Renee: Really?
Ally: Sometimes I, I go into the unisex, Richard and Billy would be telling a joke. And they stop as soon as I come in. It's like they're afraid they are gonna pierce my little virgin ears.
Renee: That's just men. Men have something about dirty jokes.
Ally: They do?
Renee: Yeah. If you want in on the club, just tell one. They'll hand you a cigar.
Ally: I don't know any. Except the one about the flea, but Billy already heard it. Do you know any?
Renee: I got a few.
Ally: Tell me one.
Renee: No, I'm not telling you any dirty jokes.
Ally: Why not?
Renee: 'Cause you'll faint! Sorry, I probably would have voted with your class.
Ally: You know what, Renee? Bite me! Oh come on. Just, just tell me one dirty joke. Just one joke.
Renee: You want me to tell you a dirty joke?
Ally: The dirtier, the better.
Renee: Okay. Ready?
Ally: I'm ready.
Renee: Are you sure?
Ally: Tell it!
Renee: You'll faint.
Ally: Tell it!
Renee: All right. All right, this man is walking down the beach. Nobody for miles. Beautiful sunset. And all of a sudden, he spots this girl. No arms, no legs, just a torso. And she's crying. So he goes up and he says: "Why are you crying?" She says, "I'm 21 years old. I have no arms, no legs and I've never been kissed." His heart just breaks. So he sits down and gives her the softest, most gentle kiss. It's so romantic, her tears just stop. She says softly, "Thank you." He says, "You're welcome." And he starts to walk away. When he hears her crying again, he says, "What?" She says, "I'm 21 years old, no arms, no legs and I've never been screwed." And with that, he sits down, picks her up and throws her into the ocean, and he says, "You're screwed now!" What?
Ally: That was disgusting.
Renee: Oh, come on!
Ally: No, a woman has no arms and no legs. And you're making fun of her sex life?
Renee: Oh, forget it! You are pathetic!
Ally: I'm pathetic?
Renee: Yes, you.
Ally: No, no, no, no. Renee, see, that joke wasn't funny. It was sick.
Renee: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...
Ally: I'm not being Julie Andrews. Okay, okay, keep singing. Keep singing, Renee. But that poor woman is drowning.
Renee: Who's drowning?
Ally: The woman who got chucked into the ocean! And you're singing about sleigh bells and door bells and schnitzels and noodles. And that is sick! Sick! Sick! Sick!

Chapter 2
Ally: Do you think it's funny?
Georgia: No, it's sick.
Billy: Dirty jokes are supposed to be sick. That's the point.
Ally: So you think it's funny?
Billy: Well, a little.
Ally: She's got no arms, no legs, bobbing up and down.
Billy: Ally, I don't think you're supposed to think about it.
Ally: How am I not supposed to think about it? A woman was born basically a stump. And imagine what her life must have been like growing up. I mean, kids picking on her. She never made it to her prom. Now she's on the beach. Some guy comes by, picks her up and heaves her into the ocean.
Georgia: I don't think the joke is funny. But, Ally, it's a made-up thing. You're giving this girl a whole back-story.
Richard: Maybe she did go to her little prom.
Ally: You know, there are real people out there with no arms and no legs.
GEORGIA: I know. But you're not supposed to rationalize like that. No joke would be funny if you dissected it.
Richard: Yeah, like was it high tide or low tide? How did she get to the beach in the first place? The questions are endless.

Elaine: I have Renee on line 2. She wants to know if lunch is still on, or if you'd rather use the hour to make dresses from drapes? And Richard, you might wanna fasten your eye sockets. You have a delivery. Go ahead.

The delivery girl: Certified.
Richard: Absolutely. Here you go.

Richard: You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you turn to stone. She was partially right.
Ally: That would be a Fishism or one of those boy jokes?
Billy: What's the matter?
Richard: She's suing us!
Billy & Ally & Georgia: What?
Richard: Sexual harassment. Everybody sues me for sexual harassment!
Ally: Let me see.
Richard: I can't keep coming in here to be served. This is ridiculous!
Georgia: Well, Richard, maybe this one you deserved, I mean, in the way you all keep gawking at her. I can't have blamed her.
Ally: No, she's not suing on account of the men. She's complaining about the women.
Richard & Billy & Georgia: What?
Ally: Yeah, yeah. The allegation is that the women have been hostile to her because they don't like the way she dresses.
Richard: What? Can she sue for that?

Georgia: I think she can. There's the Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex harassment this fall. But I don't see why they ??? cause of action.
Billy: But same sex harassment... That means gay harassment.
Georgia: No, it doesn't.
Ally: Well, when we think of it, once you accept hostile working environment as the theory, she has a perfect case. She is getting hostile treatment because she's deemed too sexy. Well, should it be any different because the hostility is coming from women?
Billy: Let me meet with her lawyer to see if we can dust it.
Ally: She never made any demands or complaints, did she?
Richard: Not to me.
Ally: Well, she may have trouble proving you had notice of her hostile environment.
Georgia: She'll argue "constructive notice."
Ally: Even so, step one is to complain. Give the employer a chance to fix the problem. She never did that.
Billy: I'll go and meet with her lawyer.
Richard: Ridiculous!
Ally: Well, that's what happens when you start reducing women to body parts.

Chapter 3
Ally: I don't like my butt.
Renee: This outfit looks great on you.
Ally: No, it's too conservative for a date.
Renee: This date's with a rabbi who thinks this is Reformed.
Ally: Well, I've never dated a rabbi before. I hope he's more fun than the priest.
Renee: Tell him my joke. That will loosen up his little beanie.
Ally: Beanie? Renee, it's a yarmulke.
Renee: Yarmulke. Tell him my joke, I bet he'd laugh.
Ally: I'm not gonna tell him your joke. It's repulsive.
Renee: It is funny! Well, if I told that joke in a room of people, you'd be the only one not to laugh.
Ally: Okay, let's prove it.
Renee: Prove it how?
Ally: At the bar you tell your joke. I dare you.
Renee: At the bar?
Ally: If you think it's so funny, put your microphone where your mouth is.
Renee: All right, I tell you what: I'll tell my joke at the bar. If they laugh, you'll have to get up and tell your little flea joke.
Ally: Forget it.
Renee: See, as usual, in the end you backed out. And you're worried this outfit makes you seem more conservative than you really are?
Ally: Okay. You get up at that bar and you tell that joke, the same joke. And if people laugh, a real laugh, a good one, then I will get up on that stage and I will tell my flea joke.
Renee: You got a bet.
Ally: Good.
Renee: Good.

Chapter 4

Richard: You?
Billy: How can you be her attorney? You just represented the women you're now suing.
Caroline: I'm flexible.
Billy: Listen, Miss...
Caroline: Call me Caroline, please.
Billy: We're talking huge conflicts of interest here.
Caroline: I've made my client aware of the conflicts, Counsel. But thank you for your concern.
Georgia: Miss Poop...
Caroline: I asked you to call me Caroline. And I believe I asked quite nicely.
Georgia: Yes. Well, this is more than just a conflict. The basis of this claim is the behavior of women in this firm.
Caroline: So?
Georgia: So you fostered that behavior when you represented the women!
Caroline: So?
Georgia: So?
Caroline: I'm not the plaintiff here, Jennifer Higgins is. Ah, that's the girl's name in case you didn't realize she had one. And I'm not suing Elaine or the women. I'm suing the employer. The firm. You. I hate to sap any of the fun, but if it's any conciliation, I plan to enjoy myself.
Richard: Oh. Mm-hm.
Caroline: Bye.

Richard: Ally, glad you're here. New firm policy. Listen up. Anybody who sues this firm or me personally, we all drop whatever cases we're working on and we devote all our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I don't wanna stop short of just getting even. Retribution? Not strong enough. Ruin! That's the goal. Irreversible, irreparable, irrational ruin! New firm policy.

Chapter 5
Richard: What did you ??? Can we disqualify the lawyer?
Billy: I don't think so. She disclosed the conflict of interest to her client.
Georgia: She isn't so hysterical, by the way. Elaine and the women were a little notorious for their hostility. So she will probably make constructive notice.
Richard: Ally?
Ally: Poop Lady agreed to waive notice ??? depo so long as she can go first.
Richard: Who does she want to depose?
Ally: Elaine. Who else?
Richard: But it has to be a conflict of interest. She knows her. She knows ??? Elaine because she represented her.
Billy: Richard, we are wasting our time trying to disqualify her...
Georgia: We shouldn't want to disqualify her. We'll have much better time with Caroline Poop as her lawyer.
Richard: How so? I wanna know why. Tell me how so? Why?
Georgia: She's lazy. Look how she ended last week's lawsuit. She doesn't really prepare. She's a quick quitter. It'll be much tougher time with another lawyer.
Billy: She's right.
Richard: Georgia, you first-chair. Since you are the most neutral...
Georgia: Oh, no. I'm not handling this case.
Richard: Why not?
Georgia: Well, it's a little too close to home. That girl was victimized because the women thought she looked too sexy. I relate, and I don't want to go there.
Richard: What's the second reason?
Georgia: Who said I had the second reason?
Richard: The first one stinks. You must have a backup.
Georgia: I think my first reason is enough, Richard.
Richard: Right. But just in case it loses steam over time.
Georgia: That lawyer.
Richard: Poop?
Georgia: Yes, Poop! She hit on me.
Billy: What?
Georgia: She did. With a look.
Billy: A look?
Georgia: Billy, there's one thing I know. It's when I'm being hit on.

Chapter 6
Ally: Part of me thinks this girl does have a case. But another part... All these harassment laws, they overprotect us. They make us look like victims.
Renee: Maybe. Elaine's being deposed today?
Ally: I figure we're dead. We'll be settling as soon as she's finished.
Renee: What if she wants to sink the firm? Do you think about that? She lost her little lawsuit. She could certainly get even today.
Ally: We considered that, but, believe it or not, it's not in Elaine's character. In the end, she can't resist being helpful. The problem is that's when she does all the damage. Anyway, we'll be done at 5. Plenty of time to get down to the bar and hear you tell your big joke.
Renee: Do I look scared?
Ally: No, and I know why. It's a win-win for you. Even if you don't get a laugh, you still get up on that stage. And that satisfies your inner-exhibitionist self.
Renee: What?
Ally: I looked it up: Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious.
Renee: Freud?
Ally: Oh, wait... Ah. "A person who likes to tell dirty jokes has concealed inclinations to exhibitionism."
Renee: Give me that.
Ally: No, no, no. There's more. "People who are best at telling dirty jokes are the ones with a sadistic side to their sexuality."
Renee: First of all, this guy was the biggest sex perv going.
Ally: Freud?
Renee: Ally, everything is about sex with Freud. A little spanker couldn't walk on streets without one hand holding his id.
Ally: That little spanker invented psychoanalysis.
Renee: Which obviously makes him your hero. He's a flash. Psychoanalysis came to him in a wet dream. Pardon the pun.
Ally: It did not.
Renee: "Irma's Injection" ...
Ally: ???
Renee: ... was an erotic dream. Don't be whippin' Freud out on me, girl. I got that guy sussed.

Chapter 7

Elaine: I never glanced at her unkindly.
Caroline: In a complaint, you stated, "She'll come to work dressed in attire designed to arouse the male personnel." And in paragraph 7, you alleged she was willful on the attempt to sexually stimulate them?
Elaine: Well, a lot of us do that. But the key is to be subtle so the men don't realize what we're doing.
Caroline: So you don't blame her for dressing this way?
Elaine: Certainly not.
Caroline: And yet you and the other women were angry enough to sue?
Elaine: We sued because the men here were acting like pigs.
Caroline: So you were angry at the men?
Elaine: Correct.
Caroline: You had no anger or whatsoever at the woman that was causing this behavior.
Elaine: Correct.
Caroline: She was an innocent.
Elaine: Correct.
Caroline: You two could even be friends?
Elaine: Correct.
Caroline: But in your lawsuit you demanded she be terminated.
Elaine: That was an alternative demand. The first demand was only that she stop walking around in her slutty little way.
Caroline: Oh, "her slutty little way." So you have no hostility towards her?
Elaine: I dress slutty. Just understated. Moderately slutty.
Caroline: I see. Do you make room for the possibility, Miss Vassel, that with women whispering she's slutty, with women suing her because she oozes too much sexuality, do you make room for the slightest possibility that she might feel at least a bit oppressed?
Elaine: Well, if she felt that way, she shouldn't dress how she dresses flaunting her big alabaster buoys in everybody's faces.

Elaine: I did not ambush the firm!
Richard: Elaine, get out, please.
Elaine: I'd like to account for my testimony.
Richard: You're accounted for. Shoo!
Billy: Okay, we've got to pick this girl apart. We've got a motion to dismiss pending. We've got to pick her apart to establish she didn't feel harassed. You want me to do it?
Richard: Ally, you.
Ally: Me?
Richard: She'll turtle against Billy. You got a better chance. You got that Julie Andrews thing going.
Ally: Did someone tell you to say that to me?
Richard: Say what?

Chapter 8

Vonda: If I tremble when I'm by your side...

Ally: Richard Fish wouldn't just pluck Julie Andrews out of thin air. You told him.
Renee: I swear I didn't.
ALLY: Oh, right.
Renee: After this song, up I go.
Ally: Are you sure you wanna do this? Maybe we should call it off.
Renee: Too late, I'm ready.
Georgia: What if it bombs?
Renee: Well, if it bombs, I'll have to tell her little flea joke, which is no less dirty, by the way.
Ally: Oh please, my joke is ribald. Yours is disgusting.
Renee: Ribald?
Ally: Yes, ribald.
Renee: What kind of person goes to Freud to understand limericks, uses words like "ribald", and dates rabbis?
Renee and Georgia: Julie Andrews!

VONDA: Can I have your attention!
Renee: Moment of truth. I'm on.
Vonda: I've been asked to take a break so that somebody might tell you a joke. So...
Renee: And that somebody would be me! But first, let's take a moment to give it up to Vonda Shepard! She's here every day singing for us!

Ally: (God, she's comfortable up there!)

Renee: And I can't help but notice we are here almost every day, too. Same people and same faces. Lawyers, stockbrokers, twins. How about the dancing twins? Can we give it up to them, please?

Ally: Okay, this is not fair. She's... She's warming up the crowd.

RENEE: Anyway, I did ask to come up here, because I'm looking at all these faces and suits and ties and coats, stuffy ties and boring jobs. I see it on everybody's expressions. And I thought this crowd needs something.
The crowd: All right. What?
Renee: We need to laugh. What we need is one good, dirty joke. Disgusting dirty. Anybody feel like they could use that kind of joke?
The crowd: Yeah!
Renee: I'm talking filthy!

Ally: This is all under protest now. This is a warm-up act.
Billy: They still have to laugh at the joke, Ally.
Georgia: And I won't.

Renee: All right. Okay. A man's walking down the beach. A beautiful beach, sunset, skies of pretty colors, nobody's around. And he spots this girl. No arms, no legs, just a torso. And she's crying. So he goes up and he says, "Why are you crying?" She says, "I'm 21 years old. I have no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed." So he bends down and gives her the sweetest little kiss. She says, "Thank you." He says, "You're welcome," and he starts to walk away. When he hears her crying again, he says, "What's the matter now?" She says, "I'm 21 years old. I have no arms, no legs and I've never been screwed." So he bends down, picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and says, "You're screwed now, baby!"

Chapter 9
Ally: You cheated!
Renee: What do you mean I cheated?
Ally: You did a ten-minute warm-up, you used the twins, and on the punch line, you did a big butt waggle. And you changed the words. It wasn't even the same joke.
Renee: What do you mean it wasn't the same?
Ally: Before, when he threw her into the water, it was, "you're screwed now." Tonight, you added a butt waggle and you said, "You're screwed now, baby!" "You're screwed now, baby!" is much funnier. And I would have laughed at that, maybe. "Baby" is a little...
Renee: I was good, the butt waggle was funny, and "Baby"... "Baby" just...
Ally: Renee, part of being a best, best, best friend is not making your best friend do something that you know would be very painful.
Renee: I know that.
Ally: And I was thinking that maybe I could pay off this bet with money, or breakfast in bed, for like a week. Anything other than me having to get up on that stage and tell my flea joke.
Renee: Ally, when you're sweet like this, it's almost impossible to say no. Almost.
Ally: Please, I'll be your slave.
Renee: This time tomorrow night, you're taking that stage.
Ally: You're really good at making me get up there?
Renee: I am.

Chapter 10

Billy: My advice is trying to act easy like Renee did. The crowd was having fun with her.
Georgia: Have you ever told a joke before in your life?
Ally: What do you mean? I'm funny!
Georgia: Oh, I didn't mean you're not funny, but standup comedy, that's...
Caroline: Is the steno here?
Billy: Yeah. We're all set. Go on in. We'll be right there. Let me get Richard.
Caroline: Fine.

Georgia: Did you see that?
Ally: What?
Georgia: She looked at me!
Ally: Georgia, Poop is married, she's not gay.
Georgia: Then why did she look at me?
Ally: I don't know. I don't... I don't know anything.
Georgia: What's that supposed to mean?
Ally: You thought that joke was sick, didn't you?
Georgia: Yeah.
Ally: Well, they laughed hard, Georgia.
Georgia: The men laughed. The women were, I think, just more amused by Renee's performance. The boys.
Ally: Why do men like sick jokes?
Georgia: I'm not sure. I think they're just...
Ally: Sicker?
Georgia: Yeah.

Ally: Okay, so, uh, what, specifically, did you perceive as hostile?
Jennifer: Well, the looks, I guess.
Ally: The looks.
Jennifer: Yes.
Ally: Okay, the looks from the men or the women?
Jennifer: The women.
Ally: How would they look at you?
Jennifer: Mean.
Ally: Mean?
Jennifer: Yes.
Ally: Can you describe what about the looks made them seem mean?
Jennifer: I can't really describe it, I just felt it.
Ally: (I'm terrible at this. If I could just get Barbara Walters to ask the questions.

Ally: Tell us about the dwinking and the twoubles it's caused in your wife.
Jennifer: I just drink and drink and drink, because I was sexually fondled by my uncles.
Ally: Do you have weegrets?

Ally: Um... Okay, when you say they looked at you mean, did they squint? The look something like this?
Jennifer: No.
Ally: How was the mean look different from the normal look?
Jennifer: It wasn't really, I guess. But when they filed that lawsuit saying they hated the way I dressed and the way I walked around, after that, I had to assume they weren't looking at me because they wanted to be my friends.
Ally: So when they filed that lawsuit, that's when you felt the hostility?
Jennifer: Yes.
Ally: Okay, that's all. Thank you.
Jennifer: Thanks.

Richard: That was it? You were supposed to tear her up. You ???? I'm nothing if not disappointed.
Ally: I know what I'm doing, Richard. Where are we on the ??? motion?
Billy: Tomorrow morning. But Ally, I sort of agree with Richard. You didn't get anything out of her. I don't know how we're gonna get the claim dismissed without the admission that she didn't really feel harassed?
Ally: She wasn't gonna give us that admission. Poop had her well-coached.
Richard: Great. Well, without cracking the plaintiff, not even slightly, what are we taking a motion to dismiss other than a prayer?
Ally: I got it covered, Richard.

Richard: She wasn't very good, was she?
Billy: Well, she did seem a little on the gentle side.
Richard: You think... Is it possible she can't be really objective on this?
Billy: How do you mean?
Richard: Well, you know, she is one.
Billy: One what?
Richard: A woman.
Billy: Ah.
Richard: And on sex and on sexual harassment, they don't see straight.
Billy: Women?
Richard: Yes.
Billy: You gotta ??? Richard. Do you have a Fishism on this?
Richard: No, but here's a thing about them. Women, as a rule, hate pretty women. Women, as a rule, also sympathize with other women victims because they are women. Are you with me?
Billy: I'm doing my best.
Richard: It's like this. Women want other women to be destroyed, but as a woman they don't wanna be the actual destroyer themselves.
Billy: If you find a way to word that cleverly, it could be a Fishism.

Chapter 11

You've got a smile so bright
You know you could've been a candle

Ally: If you were my friend, you'd call this off.
Renee: We'll all be laughing about it tomorrow. I doubt anybody will be laughing tonight.
Ally: My joke is funnier than yours and less gross!

Billy: I don't know what the big deal is. What's going on, Georgia?
Georgia: I get approached by gay women a lot, Billy.
Billy: Caroline Poop is not gay.
Georgia: I think it's my voice. My voice is kind of deep for a woman.
Billy: Are you crazy? You have the sexiest voice in the world!
Georgia: But it is a little deep.
Billy: So?
Georgia: So, I think that gay women think that that comes from some chromosome or gene.... Maybe that's why they think I could be gay. I don't know. Richard Fish touched my neck the other day.
Billy: What?
Georgia: He made it seem like an accident, but I know it was on purpose. I think he was checking if I had an Adam's apple.
Billy: Richard touched your neck...

Elaine: You have my laugh, no matter how bad it goes.
Ally: Thank you, Elaine.
Elaine: The song is ending.
Ally: Will you just go up there with me and waggle?
Renee: Next time.
Richard: Hey guys, just in time!
Ally: I'm so glad you're here.
Richard: I wouldn't miss this.
Ally: Thank you.
Vonda: Last night we took a break for a joke. And it went so well, so we thought we'd do it again.
Ally: (Oh, my God!)
Billy: Ally, if you don't have fun, the audience can't. Whatever happens, enjoy.
Richard: We will!
Ally and Billy: Quiet!
Vonda: Ally, are you out there?
Ally: (Big smile.)
Vonda: The hills are alive with the sound of music...
Elaine: Oh, this is really, really cruel.
Renee: Try to cope, Elaine.
ALLY: Okay, thank you. I was here last night when Renee Radick told that joke. And I see that a lot of you were here, too. Wasn't she great? Renee, stand up. Take a bow! (That little bitch!) She's just being shy, but she really is there. But you know what? She dared me to come up here and tell a dirty joke. She didn't think I had any. She didn't think I could do it. And what do you think? Do you think I can do it? Audience: No!
Ally: Good! Good, I'm glad you think that. Because you know what? One of the last vestiges of gender bias is the dirty joke. Men can handle it, women can't. We're not tough enough. We're too... We're too... (Decent.) Fragile. Well, let's see. Here we go. Okay. Oh, by the way, my joke, true story. Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first flea says, "Well, that is no way to come down to Florida. Here's what you do. You go into an airport bar, you have a few drinks. You find a beautiful stewardess, you climb up her leg, you nestle right in her warm, soft... you know what I mean? You get a good night's sleep, and you wake up in Florida. Now that is the way to travel!" A year goes by, vacation comes. In comes the second flea again. Freezing cold again. And the first flea goes: "Well, okay, why are you cold? Didn't you do what I said?" The second flea says, "I did exactly what you said. I went into a bar, I had a couple of drinks, I climbed right up the leg of a beautiful stewardess, I nestled in, and I passed out all snuggled up. Next thing you know, I am zooming down freeway in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle." Oh, come on. (This, they think, is funny.) Okay, well... Let's hear it for Vonda! Sing!
Oh, God. Oh, God...

Chapter 12

Renee: I actually think it was funny. You told it great. They just...
Ally: Hated it.
Rene: Well, see? With a good dirty joke, it's got to be surprising. But the listener also has to have a sense of what's coming. And with you, the way you look and your demeanor, I don't think they were prepared for that kind of filth.
Ally: Well, that clears it up.

Ally: (I'm actually luckier than most. I get to wake up each morning glad to start in a new day, grateful that the last one is over.

Court clerk: 3-2-6-6-6. Higgins versus Cage & Fish Law Corporation.
Caroline: Caroline Poop for the plaintiff.
Ally: Ally McBeal representing the defendant, Your Honor.
Judge: Ms. McBeal, how delightful you're still at large. How goes the potato-chip quest?
Ally: (Just smile. Pretend that was cute.) Your Honor, we've brought a motion to dismiss Ms Higgins's lawsuit. We believe that it fails to state a claim for which relief can be granted.
Caroline: We've submitted expedited transcripts of two depositions, Your Honor. They clearly reveal that Ms. Higgins was subject to a hostile working environment. I'd ask you to review our brief, particularly Fineman versus Adelstein and ??? versus ??? Same-sex harassment cases are clearly viable in the Commonwealth.
Judge: Ms. McBeal?
Ally: I agree.
Judge: You agree?
Ally: Yes, Your Honor. I don't think sexual harassment should be limited to opposite-sex situations.
Judge: I see. And why would we be here, other than for you and I to catch up?
Ally: Well, if you look at the transcript, Ms. Higgins only felt harassed as a result of the lawsuit filed by the women. It was only after reading the complaint that she felt they were hostile.
Caroline: So?
Ally: So? A complaint can't be the basis of a sexual harassment claim. There's qualified immunity when it comes to pleadings. According to her testimony, the only bad treatment she got was being sued. A lawsuit has immunity.
Judge: Ms Poop?
Caroline: What? This is a ridiculous technicality, Your Honor. She was treated in a hostile manner by these women because they didn't like the way she dressed. That it came in the form of a legal pleading shouldn't make a bit of difference.
Judge: Makes a difference to me. This case is dismissed without prejudice.
Caroline: What? You can't kick a case like that.
Judge: But I can. And I just did.
Richard: Yes!

Richard: You had that up your sleeve all time? Why didn't you share?
Ally: Because I decided to keep punch lines close to my vest.
Richard: You were fantastic. We're legally off the hook?
Ally: Yes, you are.
Richard: We don't owe her anything?
Ally: Oh, I didn't say that.

Chapter 13
Caroline: Excuse me, do you know where I can find Richard Fish?
Georgia: Who are you representing now?
Caroline: Funny. Actually I just came to let him know that my client does plan on returning to work. She should be here soon. Could you just give him a message?
Georgia: No problem.
Caroline: Thank you.
Georgia: Hey! I know what these looks are about, and I don't like them.
Caroline: What looks?
Georgia: These looks! Like... Let's get together and watch Ellen some time.
Caroline: Is that what you think? I'm sorry. Well, I've been looking at you, but not for that. Ever since childhood I've collected Barbie dolls, and I just never met a grown-up living one in person before. Working side by side with Skipper, I don't know. I'm just kind of blown away.

Ally: Did she think you're a lesbian?
Georgia: No.
Ally: What is it?
Georgia: It's worse.
Ally: It's worse?
Georgia: Much.

Richard: So, what's going on?
Billy: Did you touch Georgia's wattle?
Richard: Excuse me?
Billy: She said you touched her neck. Did you?
Richard: Am I about to be sued again?
Billy: I'm not talking sexual harassment. I am talking facts. Did you fiddle with my wife's wattle?
Richard: I might have grazed it. Bygones.
Billy: No bygones.
Richard: It was only... It wasn't in a sexual way.
Billy: Oh, please. I know your fetish...
Richard: No, it's like a neck sexual for Georgia or you. It's one-way tally. What's the harm?
Billy: It is sexual for you, Richard! That's the violation. You were touching my wife in a sexual way. I don't appreciate it.
Richard: Oh, okay. It won't happen again.

Richard: I'll take that as a bygone.


Chapter 14
Richard: Oh, hey. Bygones squared. If you want to still work here, you can.
Jennifer: Really? Just like that?
Richard: No, not just like that. In my office.
ALLY: Richard!
Richard: Excuse me for a second.

Ally: Richard, on the heals of the lawsuit, I don't think you should be speaking to her...
Richard: I am her employer, she's an employee.
Ally: And I am acting as the counsel. And if it is anything remotely connected to that case, you should have a lawyer in the room.
Richard: I am a lawyer.
Ally: Richard! That case was dismissed without prejudice. It could come back. With the things that roll off your tongue, I don't think you should be speaking to her outside of the counsel.
Richard: Fine.

Richard: Ally wants to be here, too, because she thinks I'll say something stupid. Anyway, Jennifer... May I call you Jennifer? It would be progress to give you a name.
Jennifer: Sure.
Richard: Jennifer, you're a tall woman with enormous breasts.
Ally: Richard!
Jennifer: What?
Richard: Let me finish. I and a few of the men here have considered you an asset to the firm and we're even staring at your assets from time to time.
Ally: Maybe I should tell a joke.
Richard: Ally, let me finish. What I'm trying to say... The women here are really angry at me and some of the men, not you. And we're to blame. I'm glad you're still working here. I will see to it that the men don't act like idiot sophomores. And beyond that, I apologize for all of us, especially me. You deserve a lot more respect than we've given you.
Jennifer: Thank you.
Richard: So, uh, that's all. Go deliver something. You can go. Go.

Richard: What? Don't you have other work to do? We should have some cases where we're not the defendants.

Chapter 15
I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying

Georgia: A rabbi?
Ally: We're going out tomorrow night. I got new shoes. I got new dress. I like to remake myself every new relationship.
Billy: Got it.
Georgia: Come on, I love this song.
Billy: Georgia...
Richard: I'll go.
Billy: Don't even think about her wattle.
Richard: Promise. Bygones. Georgia.

Ally: I feel like some of the people here are looking at me different. Like I'm nasty or something.
Billy: And you like that?
Ally: I do.
Billy: Do you think this rabbi guy could work out?
Ally: I doubt it. Even if it did, he'd probably make me convert.
Billy: And you never do that?
Ally: And give up Christmas? Oh, I got to go. I got to go to meet Renee. I'm hardening up, ain't I? I kicked that Poop lady's butt. I told a dirty joke on stage. I think I'm ready to be released into the real world, don't you? I'm hardening up.
Billy: Yep. Here's to the hard you.