Silver Bells

Chapter 1
Ally: I can't sing.
Elaine: It will just be backup. I thought you. Maybe Georgia.
Ally: Backup singers for you, like Ikettes?
Elaine: It's a Christmas party tradition. Everybody sings. We all sing at the Christmas party. We rent up the bar. We have a during-the-day for rehearsal.
Richard: Ally.
Ally: Richard, Elaine says everybody sings at our Christmas party.
Richard: We can discuss it later. Right now something big ??? You. John Cage. My office. Quick. Thanks.
Elaine: Ally, it's just that there's been a buzz about you being so lugubrious. I was hoping you could squash it with a number. I'm partly looking out for you here.
Ally: Thank you, Elaine. You touch me.
Elaine: Ikettes!

Ally: You want to ask for what?
James: That we be allowed to marry legally.
Ally: All three of you?
James: Yes.
Ally: That's not something you can do, legally.
James: Actually I'm a lawyer myself, Ms McBeal. So is Patti. We're basically common-law partners already. We have children together. Patti's already changed her name legally. We've come to the point where we want our union to be recognized by the law.
Patti: I mean this is obviously a test case, and we think you two would be the perfect attorneys to argue it.
Ally: Why?
Richard: Because we're bringing it before Whipper. She has a great respect for John's legal mind and your sense of romance. This case bridges the two. The issue's ripe. It's time. I'd argue myself that the judge and I are fornicating. What do you say?
Ally: I say no.
Richard: John? Well, splendid. They'll do it. You're in good hands.

Ally: Richard!
Richard: Ally.
Ally: Richard!
Richard: Ally, usually it's all about money with me. I admit. This time, it's piles, piles, and piles of money.
Ally: Philosophically, I have a problem championing the constitutional rights of a threesome.
Richard: Come on, the case landed on Whipper's docket. How did that happen? Anybody's guess. Probably because I asked her to take it. Who knew she would? The clients, they think we may have special influence with the Whip, probably because I all but promised it. Added to all this argument is truly viable from a legal standpoint. Ally, how can we possibly say no? It's Christmas!

Chapter 2

James: Two children are by Mindy and me. And our third is by all three of us.
Ally: What do you mean, all three?
Mindy: James fertilized Patti's egg. It was implanted in me. And I carried it to term.
ALLY: Sorry. Obviously, this has no precedent to it.
James: But the definition of the nuclear family is constantly evolving. The time is coming. It has to start somewhere.
ALLY: (And it would have to start with me.)

ALLY: I'm gonna have to let you carry this, John. You're the whiz of unorthodox arguments, and this one is so you.
JOHN: Well, I'll do it, but Richard's right. Your presence is vital.
Ally: Why?
John: Because in concept it will seem very unromantic or at least conventionally unromantic. And your presence will take the curse off that with Whipper. And I've emerged without my trousers. Chagrined.

Renee: Will I what?
Elaine: Sing.
Renee: Now?
Elaine: At our Christmas party. Ally says you have a great voice...
Renee: I do.
Elaine: Well, I thought maybe you and Georgia... Hey, Georgia. I love that suit. It's smart. Have you ever thought about putting that natural baritone of yours to a beat?
Georgia: I'm not singing backup for you at the party.
Renee: I don't sing backup for anybody.
Elaine: This is for Christmas. Jesus Christ, our Lord Savior, was born. It kills me how everybody around here can be so "me, me, me."

Ally: I can't go shopping and I have to push back lunch. I have to go to court.
Georgia: Richard wants me there too now.
Ally: He does?
Georgia: Strength in numbers, given what we're arguing.

Chapter 3

I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I felt in love with you
And if all my dreams come true...

Richard: Wait, wait. Why are you on the stage?
Elaine: Well, it's just rehearsal. I'm checking equipment. Why aren't you singing a Christmas carol?
Richard: I pay for this party, Elaine. I can sing whatever I want.
Elaine: Well, obviously. And this will be the third year running that you sing some kind of "Ode to Whipper." She wants a ring, Richard. Not a medley.
Richard: Thank you, Elaine. Imagine my comfort having you for emotional counsel. What if I dye my roots so I can truly profit from your tutelage.
Elaine: Richard, you and Whipper barely survived the last two Christmases. Now, if you don't wanna admit the problem to me, fine. But at least admit it to yourself, or you might not be celebrating together next year.

Georgia: Did they... As a threesome?
Ally: Evidently not. There's nothing kinky. It's heterosexual, one-on-one sex. I guess the women take turns being too tired.
Renee: I don't really get it. I don't get it! A penis is not a share toy!
Ally: Don't say "penis," Renee.
Georgia: It is a total man thing, ménage a trois. It's like a harem fetish.
Ally: It's not a menage a trois. He's either with one or the other, but never with both.

ALLY: So what are we gonna do, John?
John: Well, we have two options. We can either go with science or emotion.
Ally: What's the difference?
John: Well, with science, we're armed with several well-accepted anthropological studies which say that man, by nature, must procreate with multiple partners, spreading his seed as much as possible for the survivability of the human race. Emotion says he should follow his heart which has a proved incapacity to be drawn to any one female for a long period of time. Personally, I lean toward science. What are your thoughts? I appreciate your not rushing with your answers.
Ally: Do you really believe that science?
John: Yes.
Renee: Men can't stay attracted to the same female for a long period of time. That's a science?
John: Sexual attraction is all chemical, Renee. At some point, the body stops producing the chemical for the same partner. It diminishes sexual appetite. Adult videos, lingerie. They can treat the symptoms, but...
Renee: What a sad way to look at love.
John: Married couples cannot maintain frisk for one another. Yeah. It troubles me.

Chapter 4
James: I've been married to Mindy for eight years when Patti and l...
Georgia: You and Patti work in the same firm as lawyers?
James: Yes.
Georgia: And you fell in love with Patti?
James: I did.
Georgia: You were no longer in love with Mindy?
James: Well, the fact is my marriage did seem dead. It was meeting Patti. I fell in love with her. I thought about leaving Mindy, but I realized that I couldn't. I loved her too. Plus she's the mother of my two children. And I didn't wanna break the family.
Georgia: You were in love with two women?
James: Yes. And I could either tear things apart or I could try to bring everything together. So three of us, we sat down and we talked, and we decided we will try this.
Georgia: This being the three of you.
James: That was two years ago. Since then Patti and Mindy have become close, and we decided to have a child together.
Whipper: And you think that justifies you being joined in matrimony? As a threesome?
James: Well, we're a family, Your Honor. Conventional? No. But we're happy. We're devoted to each other. The kids live in a home with love and trust and security. How many people in this room can make the same claim?

Chapter 5

Mindy: At first I was devastated. My husband having an affair. I was destroyed.
John: And how did you respond?
MINDY: I cried for about two weeks. I think one of the reasons it was so painful... It came at a time when our relationship seemed stronger than ever.
John: While he was engaging with another woman?
MINDY: I didn't know that. All I knew is that we were laughing together again, talking, being affectionate. That had been missing for a long time. Sex too.
Whipper: Just a second. You said you were laughing, and talking, and having more sex with your husband once he started this affair?
Mindy: Strangely enough.
JOHN: Why do you think?
MINDY: Well, his relationship with Patti kind of opened him up. Maybe that helped my relationship with him.

GEORGIA: It almost made sense.
Billy: Come on, Georgia. What if he wanted four wives or five? We should allow polygamy just as long as it works?
Georgia: No, but...
Billy: What's wrong? Something's bothering you.
Georgia: You and I. These past few months you have been relaxed, more intimate. You're... We're...
Billy: What? We're what?
Georgia: This is the best we've ever been together. Sexually, emotionally. Ever since Ally came here.
Billy: I beg your pardon?
Georgia: You've been less, I don't know, repressed.
Billy: Because of Ally? That is good. This, I should write down.
Georgia: It is not that ridiculous.
Billy: Yes, it is.
Georgia: No, it isn't.
Billy: Well, you think there is something going on between me and Ally?
Georgia: Of course there is something going on. Maybe not sexual, but we all know there's something going on, and...
Billy: And what?
Georgia: And maybe the reason I'm able to live with it is because you have been... I don't know.
Billy: You do know, obviously. Let's hear it.
Georgia: I don't think you're being unfaithful. But I think there are little pockets of intimacy that you can't get to with me that you do get to with her. And, as a result, you feel less...
Billy: Repressed.
Georgia: That is the best word I have for it. Repressed. You seem less repressed. And as a result of that, you and I have been more intimate. Ally has been good for us, and it pisses me off.
Billy: That's...
Georgia: Crazy. I know.

Chapter 6
Elaine: I've got them.
Ally: Excuse me?
Elaine: Ikettes. I've got them to sing backup for my song.
Ally: You got the Ikettes?
Elaine: Well, not the real ones. But they're sexy, and they're black, and they coincide with my sensuality.
Ally: So, I'm off the hook then?

John: Hey, Ally. I believe you should question Patti on the stand.
Ally: Why? You're doing a good job. I think Whipper's on the fence, even.
John: Exactly. And she needs nudging from a romantic idealist.
Ally: The problem is that she can read me, John, no matter what I say in there. Well... Is it the idea, two women, one man? Okay, let me ask you. Were you swayed by Mindy's testimony? Her husband brings another woman into the home to live there.

ELAINE: One, two, three, four.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Elaine: Hello? Hip atrophy? Come on, girls. We need to sex it up a little bit.
Ikette: It's just rehearsal.
Elaine: The party is Friday. Let's do it again. Are you ready, boys? One, two, three, four.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night...

Richard: You know, if she ever caught her mother with Santa, she'd tell it to her father.
Renee: In a second.
Richard: So what are you going to sing, Renee?
Renee: Not sure yet. But you don't want to follow me, Richard. Trust that.

Underneath the mistletoe last night
Last night, last night
She didn't see me creep

Chapter 7

Ally: She said that?
Billy: Yeah.
Ally: Well, it's...
Ally & Billy: Silly.
Billy: And true. Well, it's not that huge of a... You know Steve Schwinn? You know Steve?
Ally: Yeah.
Billy: Well, he said that his marriage got better as soon as his wife started going to therapy. It's not that she went to counseling because there was anything wrong with the marriage. It's just f??? talking to somebody else, she felt like it kinda decompressed her. Sometimes feeling as if you're heard by anybody helps relationships with everybody.
Ally: I read that once.
Billy: And sometimes having a real solid friendship can pay dividends at work and at home...
Ally: All over.
Billy: And you and I... I think our friendship makes us both stronger. Don't you?
Ally: Yep. And it's just a coincidence that we used to be lovers.
Billy: What?
Ally: Nothing.
Billy: What?
Ally: Well, it certainly isn't my plan to break up your marriage, but I can't say I'm exactly thrilled to be the best thing that happened to it, either.

Richard: Home? Separate homes?
Whipper: I'm tired.
Richard: Christmas fatigues and romance only on the 15th? Whipper, why do you go on to this tone every year around the holidays? Is it the challenge of it? Is it more fun bringing everybody down when their spirits are at higher places?
Whipper: Keep digging yourself a hole, Nuckie. We'll be nose to nose any second.
Richard: Oh. Hmm. I've got a buddy who's a chiropractor. His business triples in December. You know why? Neck injuries.
Whipper: I can't tell where it's going, but it sounds like a good one.
Richard: People like to take stock at the holidays. They look around and see what they've got and what they're missing. All that craning, what they get is a sore neck. Whipper, if you want to be happy, don't look around. Happiness can be found in one word: Denial.
Whipper: Happiness, Richard, is going to bed ??? something a little more secure than a Fishism.
Richard: Look. Whipper, do you want me to marry you? I'll marry you. What's the big deal? My point is we love each other. We're together. What's so important about marriage? What does that really mean?
Whipper: It must mean something, Richard, if you're so afraid of it.

Chapter 8

Ally: Isn't that obvious, Richard? She's just feeling insecure.
Richard: Why does she have to impose it on me?
Ally: Impose it on you? She's your girlfriend.
Richard: Why does a single woman automatically conclude if they are unmarried, they're necessarily unhappy?
Ally: Oh, as opposed to men who stave off misery until after marriage!
Georgia: What was that?
Ally: Nothing. Billy's happy. He's never been happier. That isn't true. I have definitely seen him happier. Oh, God.
Georgia: He told you about our conversation.
Richard: What conversation?
Ally & Georgia: Richard!
Billy: Cappuccinos?
Georgia: Don't you wish.
Billy: What?
Richard: She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle of ??? I feel like Elaine.
Billy: Ally.
Georgia: Billy.
Richard: Bygones.
Ally & Billy & Georgia: Quiet!
Georgia: You and I need to talk. No. No, the three of us need to talk.
Ally: Can I just apologize to everybody and be excused?
Georgia: No! This has been coming for a long time. The three of us getting in a room together.
Elaine: I'm available to take minutes.
Georgia: You just sniff trouble and seek it out?
Elaine: Yes, and if there's any way to complicate it.
John: Excuse me.
Ally & Billy & Georgia: What?!
John: We're late for court.

Patty: I would be the evil other woman, Yes.
Ally: You seem to wear the badge proudly.
Patty: I work. I wanted a family. I didn't know if I want to turn my kids over to a nanny. As nuts as it sounds, in addition to getting a husband, I'm marrying the mother of my children.
Ally: It does sound nuts.
Patty: You don't have to tell me that. And I certainly didn't grow up picturing this for my marriage.
Ally: But the picture has changed?
Patty: Yeah.
Ally: Uh... You sounded a little sad with that answer.
Patty: I grew up with the same dreams as everybody else, Ms McBeal. I dreamed of my wedding day, had visions of my little house, my garden. And it didn't work out exactly according to plan. But you know what? It did work out.

Richard: I know it's just a holiday phase, but still... The whole point of Christmas cheer is what?
John: Cheer.
Richard: Exactly. And all she wants under that tree is a picket fence.
John: I'm drawn to her.
Richard: Whipper?
John: Ally. I'm drawn to her. I'm tempted to invite her to the Christmas party as my date.
Richard: Oh.
John: We broached the subject once, and she sort of... Plus she kissed me under the mistletoe. The moment was fraught with ambiguity, but I did sense an overture.
Richard: Then ask her. The time couldn't be better since she's saying yes to everybody.
John: I'm not good asking women out.
Richard: There's not much to it, John. You just ask. You know the way you prepare for your big negotiating sessions. Do that.
John: Just march in there to demand money?
Richard: March in there feeling you're the strongest man on the planet. Except instead of being born to battle, you just adjust it. But what you keep is the idea that you feel good about yourself. Even if it's a lie.

Chapter 9

Billy: Somebody has to start. Since you called the meeting...
Ally: I would like to start by protesting that I've even been brought into the middle of this.
Georgia: I second that. I protest you being in the middle.
Ally: Who's under attack, me or him?
Georgia: I don't know.
Billy: You don't know?
Georgia: That's what I said. Didn't I?
Billy: What are you so angry about?
Georgia: I am angry that in order to have a meaningful discussion about our marriage I've got to have her in the room. I am angry because I don't even know who to blame. I'm angry because I like you better since she came back into your life. I'm angry because somehow she has managed to make you and I closer! I'm angry because I'm not sure that I want her out of your life! I am angry because I don't know how to handle this, and on top of it all, I like her, damn it! I'm angry about that too.
Ally: Okay... I'm really glad that we cleared the air and bye.
Georgia: Get back here! I think we need to get really honest with each other.
Ally: Georgia, husbands, wives, ex-girlfriends. That is not the combination that calls for honesty, but that is the combination that calls for pretending.
Georgia: Which I was quite capable of. But you and me and him being in this office together? The things I've heard in this trial, some of it is going on here. She's made you more emotionally accessible. Do you deny that?
Billy: Not for a second.
ALLY: (Should he have denied it!) Look. I am getting out of this room. And whether or not my friendship with Billy has made your relationship better or not, it doesn't matter. And whatever you two decide to do about that, I shouldn't be in this room. Sorry. Please disregard that one.

I saw Mommy
Tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard

Vonda: She's not bad.
Renee: We'll be better.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Chapter 10
Renee: Is it close?
Ally: If we win this case, I swear I'll kill myself. Three-way marriage. Everything I grew up believing in... And I don't care if it was a giant myth.
Renee: Ally, you grew up dreaming that you would be a mother and have a career. Maybe this three-way thing is what you dreamed about.
Ally: Oh.

Billy: Good night, honey.
Georgia: Good night.
Ally: Good night.

Ally: Relationships should be in twos. Or at least in even numbers. I mean, why do you think that women feel the need to be married anyway? And it can't just be the security thing because men are just as insecure as women.
Renee: Being unmarried isn't a stigma to men. Eligible bachelor, old maid. Society drills into us that women should be married. Society drills into us that smart people should have careers. Society drills into us that women should have children and mothers should stay at home. And society condemns the working mothers that don't stay at home. So, what chance do we really have when society keeps on drilling us?
Ally: We could change it, Renee. Society is made up of more women than men. If women really wanted to change society, they could do it. I plan to change it. I just want to get married first!

James: Uh... Your Honor.
Whipper: I'm sorry for the intrusion. Would you mind if I came in just for a second? James: No. Honey! Honey!
Whipper: Oh, I didn't mean to disturb anybody. You don't have to get up.
James: Oh, that's okay.
Mindy: Is something the matter?
WHIPPER: No. I just came to get a peek at your home. I'm sorry. I don't want to bother anyone. Good night.
Mindy's daughter: Merry Christmas.
Whipper: Merry Christmas.

Chapter 11
Richard: Did you ask her yet?
John: I'm still steeling myself.
Richard: Strong, assured, fresh, bold.
John: You just described a breath mint.

Billy: I don't know what else really to say.
Georgia: I'm gathering that. All last night and all today you even say you don't know what else to say. I'm inclined to think you have nothing else to say.
Billy: Georgia, if you tell me to dial back my friendship with Ally, I will do it. If it is a threat to us, I will do it, whether you ask me to or not. Maybe I should leave this firm. That's the easiest solution.
Georgia: I don't want that. What I do want is to completely trust you.
Billy: You don't now?
Georgia: No. Are you technically faithful? Yeah. Are you totally? No. When you go to her and repeat things I have said to you... When you go to her as a sounding board for stuff that involves you and me, that is not fidelity. She understands that. Why can't you?
Billy: But even when by your own admission me using her as a sounding board helps you and me?
Georgia: I need to feel that, whatever our successes or failures, she's got no part of them.
Billy: Okay, I get that.

Chapter 12
John: Ally?
Ally: Hey, John.
John: May I be so bold as to ask you something?
Ally: Sure. Sure, but before you do, your fly...
JOHN: Chagrined.
Ally: You think Whipper will rule today?
John: ??? she would. Umm... Listen, Ally, about this Christmas party... Would you be interested in coming with me as my date?
Ally: Well... John, I actually have been thinking about that. And you are my boss.
John: Okay, I understand.
Ally: Well, you see, it's...
John: I understand.

Chapter 13

I saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus last night
I saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus last night
I saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus

Georgia: Look at her! What is this? Pop?
Ally: It's like '70s slut-rock.
RICHARD: I like it.
Ally: Where's Whipper?
Richard: She should be here any... John Cage.
Ally: What's he want?
Richard: You. Whipper has a verdict on your case.
Ally: Now? Tonight?
Richard: Doing it on purpose. She wants to kill my party. I'll go with you. The Biscuit will meet you there.

Underneath the beard
So snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Last night

Whipper: You know, I've been married twice. Both marriages failed miserably. When I went to your home, I saw something I never had. Something I still want. There's really no good reason for the Commonwealth not to recognize a union of three. What's the big deal? I know the institution of marriage is changing. Maybe I know that there are a lot of people who may not consider it a sanctity, but I also know this isn't an erosion I'm willing to contribute to. Your timing may be right on this issue, but you picked the wrong judge. Plaintiff's motion denied.

John: We tried.
James: Yeah.

Ally: I'm sorry.
Mindy: Yeah.
Ally: She, just, you know...
Mindy: Made the right decision?

RICHARD: Hey. There's a rumor going around you're naked under that robe.
Whipper: Hi, Richard.
Richard: I thought I'd pick you up at a... I'm singing a great song for you tonight. This is gonna be our best party yet.
Whipper: That's nice.
Richard: We laugh together. We love together. Why introduce the notion it couldn't work out?
Whipper: That would be a holiday Fishism.
Richard: I'm afraid.
Whipper: Of what?
Richard: My parents. All they did was fight. Scream. I grew up in my room wearing headphones blaring music so I wouldn't hear. My heart would actually quicken a little near the end of songs 'cause I knew that during that little gap, you know, I'd be able to hear...
Whipper: So you equate marriage with that?
Richard: I equate depending on anybody with that. Whipper, the fact that you're so much older than me... It, uh... I chirp so proudly, "Doesn't matter." It does matter. It's an automatic built-in defense. So much age difference, this can't lead to anything permanent. It's automatic. There's a guardrail from day one. That aside, I love you.
Whipper: I just don't work well with guardrails, Richard.
Richard: Yeah, I know. Maybe we could get some, I don't know, some counseling. Or I could get it. But for now......let's just......let's just get through Christmas, okay?
Whipper: Sure. Let's just get through Christmas.

Chapter 14

Santa Claus is coming
Santa Claus is coming
Santa Claus is coming
To town
Oh, you better watch out, You better not cry
Better not pout I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming...

Georgia: I really thought we'd win.
Ally: Yeah. Well, marriages should be in twos, not threes. And that was the ruling. We thought you should handle the appeal.
Georgia: I'm sorry if I came off a lunatic.
Ally: No, you didn't. No, no, no. The truth is that I do use him.
Georgia: What?
Ally: Billy. I mean, whenever I feel insecure or, I don't know, unsteady, I tend to grab ahold of things that steady me. And Billy does that.
Georgia: I know.
Ally: I mean, the weird thing is that so do you.
Georgia: Me?
Ally: Sometimes. I admire you, Georgia. How awful!
Georgia: Here's to you, Barbie.
Ally: To you, Skipper.

He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good, for goodness ' sake

Chapter 15
Ally: Hey. The party's happening.
John: Oh yeah. I'll be down shortly.
Ally: You know, for Mindy, I think her only shot at holding on to her husband or her children's father was saying yes to this arrangement with Patti.
John: This I know.
Ally: Well, did she tell you that?
John: She didn't have to.
Ally: John, let's go to the party together as dates.
John: I think your first instinct was correct.
Ally: Well, umm... I kinda would like to go with my current one.
John: Maybe a glass of wine up here. I'm just... Noise troubles me.
Ally: Well, wouldn't you like to dance?
John: Oh... I'm not rhythmic.
Ally: Well, maybe a slow dance.
John: Well...
Ally: No no no. I mean, because slow dancing isn't really like dancing at all. It's just two people kind of leaning on each other, almost as if they'd fall down without the other one to hang on to. It's very "Christmas."
John: Do you know that you're odd?
Ally: I do.

I don 't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Renee: You didn't say what you do.
Guy: I run a network.
Renee: That's a good one.

Every time I kiss your lips
My mind starts to wonder
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you
I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But darling not as much as tomorrow
Tomorrow

Ally: To me, the true meaning of Christmas has always been Santa. Still is. You're allowed to believe in something you know doesn't exist.
John: I actually still did believe till I was 12 years old. I just wouldn't give it up.
Ally: What made you stop believing?
John: My mother. She told me he fondled the elves. Some therapist told her step one was to at least undermine my admiration for him. Next year she told me he died. Heart attack. Cholesterol. I blamed myself for leaving cookies. Fat man trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney. And I taunt him with Oreos and a glass of whole milk.
Ally: And you call me odd.

Bells will be ringing
The glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas
To have the blues
My baby's gone
And I have no friends

ALLY: (The other thing about slow dancing is the surrender of it all. Sometimes people just need to surrender.)

Cries will be singing Silent Night
Christmas carols by candlelight
Please come home for Christmas
Please come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas by New Years night
Friends and relations send salutations